Friday, April 22, 2011

30 Day Challenge 2 : Day 19

Something you're looking forward to

I try not to look forward to too many things. I feel like when I do, I miss all of the great things going on now, and I don't want to miss any of that. I love this stage of David's development. He is starting to be so independent and thanks to his speech therapy, we are hearing more and more words. He loves figuring things out on his own and the sound effects are so cute "whoa, wow, oooo, wow momma." He has learned to ask for help when he needs it and is very vocal on what he wants. He runs around, and gets so excited when he sees people he likes. He loves to look for things - cars, birds, people, and it never gets old. I don't want to miss a minute of this.

I have not been very vocal about our struggles trying to conceive again. Partly because I know others have struggled more and partly because I'm scared. It's hard for me to put all of my thoughts and feelings out there. I don't want people to feel sorry for me, but as a fellow blogger pointed out in one of her posts, how can I expect people to understand what I am going through if I don't tell them.

Nate and I got pregnant with David right away. We knew that we wanted to have 2 children, so in December 2009 we started trying again. On October 10, 2010, we got our positive pregnancy test (the day before my birthday), but we lost the baby on November 22, 2010, 5 months ago today. I was only 10 weeks, but it hit me hard. Having heard the heartbeat just a few days before made it even harder for me. We started trying again in Feb 2011. It's hard for this to have been so easy with David, and so hard now. I see people around me who get pregnant by looking at their husbands, and others who weren't trying or who don't even want to be pregnant, and then I get angry and bitter that I'm not the person who is pregnant. Don't get me wrong, I am so happy for my friends who are expecting, I really am. I'm just ready to be that person again. After our miscarriage, I just kept telling myself that it would all be okay. I would be pregnant again by my due date, which would make June 19th so much easier for me, but that day is getting closer and closer and I am starting to loose faith that this will even happen for us again.
All of this being said, the one thing that I do look forward to is being pregnant again. I loved being pregnant with David!  It was amazing and magical. I loved every day of it - even the heartburn and sleepless nights. I pray that God has this in his plan for us. I don't feel like I am done yet. David needs a little brother or sister. As much as I am looking forward to this, it does scare me at times though, but I know that God will keep watch over us.